Friday, November 23, 2007

Marmots find Sportscaster, now need Network

Victoria, AP -- In an rare move of high-profile negotiation, the Victoria Silver Marmots Oldtimers Hockey Club has acquired former SportsCenter Anchor Craig Kilborn.

"Now we're in the market for a network to host us. We've been winning a lot of games, and getting on Network Television might enhance our fan base enough to make the beer companies notice," commented Brad Bryan, current Manager/Player for the Marmots. "We've been darn close to getting a beer rep on the team for almost two years now, and we're getting desperate. If we have our own anchorman and Network show, we figure the beer companies will practically throw the beer at us."

Not everyone on the team shares Bryan's excitement. Bret Champoux, an enforcer defenceman for the Marmots, has recently been on a fairly tight training regime, and thinks that the focus on beer is perhaps misplaced. "I really only have one beer, if any, these days after the game. Let's face it, it's not that healthy. We should consider getting Tazo Tea, or even O'Douls. It's really regressive."

Jim "Mummy" Swan, one of the more compassionate, caring players on the team - hence his moniker - feels caught in the cross-fire on this. "More goddam beer, I say! And if the Cleaner is too much of a wussy to stand it, well he can take his Tazo and ref the game for all I care." With punctuating clarity, Swan impressed upon this reporter the need for tolerance of all views.

Still, the recruitment of Kilborn bodes well for the Marmots cruise for beer, since Kilborn's ill-fated experience at SportCenter has been chalked up to reports of a perhaps overweening fondness for the beverage. See this report from CNN on Kilborn's "Gin-Soaked Experience."

"I'm sure the Cleaner will come around on this one. Even when he drinks tea, he can still put down more than any of us," prophesied Bryan, and then he waxed historical: "The jury is out until the beer arrives. Hasn't it always been that way?"

Stay tuned.

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