Victoria, Associated Hockey Press -- In what may be the first outburst of panic in the oldtimer hockey community, Dave Kurier, spokesperson for the Save-On-Foods Arena Kuriers (affectionately known as the "SOFA Kuriers") called a press conference today to dispel rumours that his team was going to receive a thumping at the hands of the Marmots tonight at Archie Browning Arena.
"I just want to be clear: we are afraid of these guys, but we won't give up," commented Kurier.
The admission of fear was all the Marmots needed to send them into waves of pre-game "super-training." A concept developed by one of the team's tough guys, Jim "Basil McRae" Swan, super-training involves state-of-the art game preparation while at work.
"I've actually been doing it for years - it's nice to now have a goal for all of my work-a-day aggression," noted Swan. "My co-workers used to be irritated at the way I beat the hell out of the water station; now they egg me on and ask me what kind of punishment I'm planning on dishing out on the ice. It's been huge for me."
"It's been huge for the team," notes Brad Bryan, the head marmot. "I used to see guys come into the dressing room all unfocused, asking 'who are we playing?' and then casually catching up with old friends. Now, with the help of McRae's at-work violence program, many of our guys come to the rink ready. Sometimes the other team won't even come out on the ice!"
The exception, Bryan noted, was the Blueliners Hockey Team -- comprised of the Officers of the Victoria Police Force. When asked how the Marmots fared against the Blueliners, Bryan was less forthcoming.
"They beat us up. I would've called the cops, but cripes, we wuz playin them!"
Bret "the Cleaner" Champoux was more to the point. "The way they played made me want to be a police officer. The power!"
Don't miss the action tonight as the Marmots attempt to terrorize the Kuriers off the SOFA at Archie Browning at delightful hour of 10:40 pm, PST.