Monday, December 03, 2012

Controversial Mertuzzi Measurement Reveals Diminutive Marmot Blueline

It's sad for Mertuzzi...
For years, head Coach and general manager of the Marmots Brad “Spleebz” Bryan has faced criticism that he has assembled a blueline that is too small to play in Victoria beer leagues. Until Saturday, his answer had always been “Six-foot Mertuzzi”. However, a measurement of Tom “Mertuzzi” McNamara revealed that he was in fact a full one and a half inches under six feet. The measurement, which employed the latest state of the art measurement tools involving a random stick from Andrew “Hammer” MacDonald’s house and a measuring tape from a passerby, was not particularly controversial, reinforcing the near consensus view of McNamara’s height.  

This man is probably 5'11"


The measurement was apparently kicked off by an argument between McNamara and Scott “Doc” Watson over who was taller. Several children at the scene thought the argument was rather immature, noting they stopped fighting about height in sixth grade. They also said that McNamara and Watson argued about whose dad was stronger, who could run faster and who was better at trivia on Canadian Prime Ministers.

Coach Bryan could not be reached for comment, claiming he was trying to find directions to the nearest beer store on his iPhone. Two tall unnamed sources, one who has missed a few recent games due to a new love interest and one vacationing in warmer US climates outside the continental United States, however, suggested that Bryan has for years been recruiting only those under six feet for his squad, so as to appear of average height himself. “That’s ridiculous, we earned our place on this squad”, suggested newer recruits Mike “PG” Harlow and Scott “Hallsy” Hall, both standing on tip-toe. Veteran Nelson “Nelson” Collins, wearing an unusually tall winter toque over his trademark bandana, quickly dismissed any height restrictions on the Marmots.
This man is only 5'10"
At practice, the normally gregarious Greg “Waldo” Oikawa had little to say at first, mumbling something about Midnight Hockey, before downing what appeared to be several Prozac chased by Fireball and beer. Later in the evening Oikawa suggest his Japanese-Ukrainian-Irish-Polish heritage would likely render him immune from aging and shrinking, but that McNamara was likely the first of a large number of Marmots whose physical prowess would decline over time.

How this would affect the Marmots is not clear. After a recent practice, Chris “Gramps” Driebergen said he already noticed a difference in Mertuzzi’s game. “He still got me pretty good with the lumber in my lower back, but it didn’t seem to hurt as much knowing that he is under six feet. He’s definitely lost that intimidation factor”.

McNamara adamantly rejected the measurement, suggesting his measuring stick at home indicated he was six foot and a half inch. McNamara refused to have his measuring stick examined for this story.

No comments: