Zen Smokey

This year the Marmots will move the karmic energy to the next level, employing all manners of cosmic training to their retinue. At the monthly tailgate BBQ, expect to find resident monk Bret Champoux saddling up to the grill asking Hammer the crucial Zen question: "Can you make me one with everything?"

The Marmots expect to win in the afterlife, too. For further inspiration, check out the Zen Meat Garden.

This is the year we go for the Cup

A sign of clear audacity, the Victoria Silver Marmots Oldtimers Hockey Club is going to play again this coming year.

"We will not be stopped," says the Cleaner, a behind-the-scenes manager and the de-facto coach of the team. "This is our year to make sure the other teams know that we are no longer 'endangered' or simply some kind of mutant animal-hockey player. This year other teams will think of us more like terrifying rabid animals. And we'll play a system, too. Like the Red Wings."

Not-so-de-facto coach Brad Bryan claimed that the Marmots have a whole new form for the upcoming year. "We've really overhauled our playing style. This year we're looking at more BBQs, perhaps a variety of eats. We're looking at an old bus. Some big changes that will affect every aspect of our game."

Stay tuned for schedules and events.

Marmot Christmas Skating Party!!!

Hello friends of the Marmots!

We are having a skating party on Sunday December 23 at Archie Browning Arena from 2:40 - 4 pm, and we hope you will come! The skate shop will be open for skate rentals, and in one of the dressing rooms we will have snacks, warm beverages, maybe even something festive. Then, there will be a family hockey game from 4 - 5 pm for those interested. It will be helmets and skates (minimum) for adults (skate shop has a pile of helmets too), and kids we recommend also knee pads and elbow pads - and we have some extra if need be. We'll try to keep family members all on the same team!

Please RSVP and let me know if you can attend. Cost is 5$ per adult or 10$ for families (including extended family: so if you bring your parents, sisters, brothers, cousins - you can get a serious deal here!)

It is going to be SOME SERIOUS FUN!!!

Beer Prayer

From Dylan Steinbok's collection of wisdom... he gives this in honour of his ribs, Sleepy's neck, and those crazy Paramedics.

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillage,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, the bitter, and the lager.
Barmen.

Psychological Training for Marmots

The Marmots are ready for the next level in hockey training: mental domination. How many times have we seen a Marmot heading to the net, only to choke in the finish? All Swedish, no Finnish! But that is about to change.

Attention Marmots: Here is your new training manual. Get tough, head up, wait for the sign. Next practice we will have some "anti-choking" drills. Like, maybe a shootout.

Marmots find Sportscaster, now need Network

Victoria, AP -- In an rare move of high-profile negotiation, the Victoria Silver Marmots Oldtimers Hockey Club has acquired former SportsCenter Anchor Craig Kilborn.

"Now we're in the market for a network to host us. We've been winning a lot of games, and getting on Network Television might enhance our fan base enough to make the beer companies notice," commented Brad Bryan, current Manager/Player for the Marmots. "We've been darn close to getting a beer rep on the team for almost two years now, and we're getting desperate. If we have our own anchorman and Network show, we figure the beer companies will practically throw the beer at us."

Not everyone on the team shares Bryan's excitement. Bret Champoux, an enforcer defenceman for the Marmots, has recently been on a fairly tight training regime, and thinks that the focus on beer is perhaps misplaced. "I really only have one beer, if any, these days after the game. Let's face it, it's not that healthy. We should consider getting Tazo Tea, or even O'Douls. It's really regressive."

Jim "Mummy" Swan, one of the more compassionate, caring players on the team - hence his moniker - feels caught in the cross-fire on this. "More goddam beer, I say! And if the Cleaner is too much of a wussy to stand it, well he can take his Tazo and ref the game for all I care." With punctuating clarity, Swan impressed upon this reporter the need for tolerance of all views.

Still, the recruitment of Kilborn bodes well for the Marmots cruise for beer, since Kilborn's ill-fated experience at SportCenter has been chalked up to reports of a perhaps overweening fondness for the beverage. See this report from CNN on Kilborn's "Gin-Soaked Experience."

"I'm sure the Cleaner will come around on this one. Even when he drinks tea, he can still put down more than any of us," prophesied Bryan, and then he waxed historical: "The jury is out until the beer arrives. Hasn't it always been that way?"

Stay tuned.

Grey Leafs and Roadhogs the latest Victims of Silver Marmot Rage

Victoria, AP -- With only three losses this season, the Victoria Silver Marmots have been devastating their foes of late. The Grey Leafs fell to the VSMs 5-1, with the Archie Browning Arena Zamboni driver noting that he only needed flood half the ice. The Roadhogs gave the Marmots a much tighter game, but felt the Marmot bite with a 2-0 loss.

"It's the new jerseys," claimed Jim "Mommy" Swan. "We used to be good, but we were never this good. It's all confidence. Sure, the guys are still doing 50 or 60 crunches and Russian thrusts before the game, but it's all different now."

Bret "the Cleaner" Champoux agrees. "Me, I've never been a real joiner. Played my own style of game, y'know? I mean, I see a guy taking unfair advantage, and I get in there. Play my game, have a beer, go home, see? But when I saw these jerseys, I knew then and there that my time as a Marmot would extend into perpetuitation. [Someone named "Waldo" yells from the other side of the dressing room: "perpetuity". Cleaner replies: "f*** off."] I stepped up right then and there and said 'I want to be the jersey guy.'"

Now that the Cleaner is the jersey guy for the Marmots, there are questions about whether other Marmots will step up with similar signs of solidarity and Marmot devotion. Grammar clarifier Greg "Waldo" Oikawa was not to be left behind: "I'm heading down to U-Brew, and I want to bring in some of that cheap-ass tasty brew so we can pay down those beauties!" Similar chants and cheers could be heard.

But all of this is background to the new style of play that seems to be gracing the Marmots this year. "I don't want to speak too soon, but I think this year could be our year at the Pacific Cup," claimed Tim "Mits" Ewanchuk. "We've got two recent import champs on the team, and they now know what it means to take a team all the way. I even heard that Sleepy was the top scorer and MVP for the whole tournament! Read it in Hockey News! And Bryan, well, we all saw him face off against Cliff Ronning in that Alumni game. Pretty amazing. I think we're a shoe in."

True enough, Mike "Sleepy" Cronquist and Brad "no nickname" Bryan moonlighted for the dreaded Screefers at the Lumberjack Cup in early November, bringing home the coveted CARHA Labatts Blue jackets. "They're nice," commented Sleepy.

"I love the jackets, but I just love the way Sleepy lit that tourney up! I mean, that's a team of Lloyd's treeplanters from way back, and now we're winning hockey tournaments. I just wish Sleepy would tell me what I gotta do to get him to light it up for the Marmots like that," wondered Bryan, clearly flummoxed. "If he wants development permits or to curry favour with some city council somewhere, he should just say the word. I want to see him play like that - and I'll do what needs to be done."

The Marmots square off in a scrimmage next week, working on their infamous, deadly, and very secret "Plan B." Only a few teams have seen it, but oldtimer hockey fans everywhere should get ready to experience Plan B at the Pacific Cup. "We'll be laying it on thick," promised Bryan.

New Jerseys!

Attention Marmots: the new jerseys are here!!!


And here:


To be unveiled, officially, at a private screening on Tuesday, and then on ice against the Roadhogs next Thursday... ! I'll find some socks.
-- Bull Dog

SOFA Kuriers are on notice!

Victoria, Associated Hockey Press -- In what may be the first outburst of panic in the oldtimer hockey community, Dave Kurier, spokesperson for the Save-On-Foods Arena Kuriers (affectionately known as the "SOFA Kuriers") called a press conference today to dispel rumours that his team was going to receive a thumping at the hands of the Marmots tonight at Archie Browning Arena.

"I just want to be clear: we are afraid of these guys, but we won't give up," commented Kurier.

The admission of fear was all the Marmots needed to send them into waves of pre-game "super-training." A concept developed by one of the team's tough guys, Jim "Basil McRae" Swan, super-training involves state-of-the art game preparation while at work.
"I've actually been doing it for years - it's nice to now have a goal for all of my work-a-day aggression," noted Swan. "My co-workers used to be irritated at the way I beat the hell out of the water station; now they egg me on and ask me what kind of punishment I'm planning on dishing out on the ice. It's been huge for me."

"It's been huge for the team," notes Brad Bryan, the head marmot. "I used to see guys come into the dressing room all unfocused, asking 'who are we playing?' and then casually catching up with old friends. Now, with the help of McRae's at-work violence program, many of our guys come to the rink ready. Sometimes the other team won't even come out on the ice!"

The exception, Bryan noted, was the Blueliners Hockey Team -- comprised of the Officers of the Victoria Police Force. When asked how the Marmots fared against the Blueliners, Bryan was less forthcoming.

"They beat us up. I would've called the cops, but cripes, we wuz playin them!"

Bret "the Cleaner" Champoux was more to the point. "The way they played made me want to be a police officer. The power!"

Don't miss the action tonight as the Marmots attempt to terrorize the Kuriers off the SOFA at Archie Browning at delightful hour of 10:40 pm, PST.

Former Marmot has shot with Salmon Kings

Victoria -- Marmot Press
Former Marmot spare Drew Davis has come into his own of late. "Things were going well for me at U-Vic, but it wasn't until I began sparing for the Marmots that I really moved my play up to the next level." While UVic will want to take credit, anyone familiar with Marmot hockey knows where Davis's success comes from.

Having had a successful season with the UVic team as captain, Davis was thinking of going to law school after graduation. That is, until a fateful game with the Marmots against the SOFA Kuriers. Davis played in the home of the Salmon Kings, the SOF Arena, and at that moment knew he just had to play there again.

"I guess you could say I was lit up," says Davis of the night the Marmots cleaned the Kuriers 7-2. "I just knew I had to go for it."

Stay tuned as Davis makes a try for the Salmon King lineup this fall.

Support the Marmots with new Marmot Gear!!

Official Blowout Pre-Season Sale!!! Everything Must Go!!!

Check out the new Silver Marmots Hockey Club Store!

Get deals on everything from mugs to hats to t-shirts. Real Marmots wear the colours.

Marmots 10 KM Run!

Ok Marmot Runners, here are the goods!

Let me lay some ground rules.

1. I will be running in full hockey gear, and hope you will follow my lead. Gorilla suits are also welcome.

2. Sprinting will not be tolerated, unless it is Jim Swan and he's intent on rubbing out one of the Bay Leafs (see number 6 below).

3. We should meet at Bernie and Bear's place on Powell Street at about 7:30, no later. At that time I'll pass out running chips, numbers, and shirts. I'll be sure that they've been washed so that you don't have to run in something that stinks mildly of "new shirt fungicide," or whatever they soak those things in. Of course, you are free to run in hockey gear or in your favourite, sleek running tackle. Bernie and Bear's place is on Powell between Michigan and Toronto Street in James Bay. They're half way up on the West side of the street. Head down Douglas toward the water, right on Michigan, left on Powell, second house on the right past the big parking lot.

4. I have team shirts for 7 of us, and I can lend mine to someone if they want to run in a team shirt, as I'll be wearing something else. There are also three without Marmot logos - for those registering after March 17. See numbers 1 and 3 above regarding fashion.

5. Remember, this is for fun, and how do you spell "fun"? W-I-N!

6. The Bay Leafs have officially challenged us in this, and they have 13 runners. Even though they are very nice guys, and some of them are even ok at hockey, I really don't want anyone to show mercy to any one of them.

7. Recommended for Saturday: work with the medicine ball, visualization of rubbing out Bay Leafs, plenty of ice cream.

8 More info is at: http://www.tc10k.ca/index.html, and the map is attached.

9. The race starts at 8 AM at Southgate and Quadra.

10. Party at George's at 1 pm.

See you Sunday,
-- Brad

Marmots buried in Grey Leaves

Victoria - Associate Hockey Press -- Full of piss and vinegar, the Silver Marmots cruised to the ice ready for a second victory over the Grey Leafs this season -- only to find the cagey, aged squad to be ready for a fierce battle. Within in minutes, the Marmots began the fearful whistle that signifies that they're in trouble. Grant Smith and his dad skated circles around the Marmots, combining for 6 or 7 goals, and with one goal post that was so nice that referee Barry Little simply couldn't resist calling it a goal. Members of the Grey Leafs were seen weeping at the injustice of it all, yet couldn't bring themselves to call the goal off.

"I know it hit the post," cried Head Marmot Brad Bryan. "I was standing in the crease looking like a dumb-ass when it happened."

"I saw that too," noted Mel 'Yzerwoman' Tacoma. "I mean, that Bryan stood there like a dumb-ass. I didn't see the shot."

"I saw it too," says Barry Little. "Sure, it hit the post. But damn it was a nice play! And it hit the post so squarely I simply had to call it a goal."

Bryan asked Ref Little why the post he hit earlier on a breakaway didn't count for a goal. "Well Christ Brad - you had a breakaway and you deked Gillen and still hit the post! I almost took away one of your goals for that. At least the Grey Leafs worked for that post."

Bryan still maintains that the score should have been 6-2 for the Grey Leafs. "It's a question of dignity. I mean, getting beat 7-2 is bad. 6-2 isn't as bad. And, had I scored, it would have been 6-3, giving the impression that we were in the game. Which we were."

Assistant Team Manager Bret 'the Cleaner' Champoux wasn't sure about Bryan's logic. "He had Gillen down, all he had to do was put the puck in the net. I question how badly Bryan wants the Marmots to win." The comment created considerable stir, and there are rumors that the Cleaner is positioning himself to take over management duties for the Marmots in the coming season. "In fact, Bryan may be good for the Marmots, but a guy misses a goal like that and you have to wonder. I mean, does he play with grit? When was his last penalty? At least I get in there to ensure justice."

The Marmots will have to wait until the 2007-08 season for another chance to settle the score with the Grey Leafs. During the Spring training sessions, Grey Leaf Captain Ron 'top shelf"'Dumonceaux will skate with the Marmots. "If he thinks he'll find out some of our secret plays, he's mistaken," said Bryan.

"Yeah," agreed the Cleaner.

"If the Marmots have secret plays, they sure do a good job of hiding them. I certainly didn't see them Tuesday night," replied Top Shelf Dumonceaux.

Silence from the Marmots.... Stay tuned!

Pilons suffer 7-1 loss, feel Marmot teeth!

Victoria -- CP. Last Monday night the Victoria Silver Marmots Oldtimers Hockey Club laid waste to the Pylons, dishing out some serious damage despite some very dirty -- let's be honest, COWARDLY -- hockey played by the 'lons. Our own Waldo posted a 4 goal game, and despite having no beer after the game the Marmots rallied. Let's hear it for the Marmots! Strength and Honour!!!

etiquette

Seems we Marmots, while brutalizing opponents, have a hard time populating our own scrimmages and practices. Our own Magic-Man (a.k.a. Ross Nanton) sleuthed this one down for us - a real treat. Some rules for shinny -- whether you're a regular whose paid the dues or a drop-in sub. See these 10 rules for drop-in hockey. I don't actually notice anyone offending any of these - which is because this team is AWESOME!! That's right. The Marmots rock. We're more of a concept-team. If I had to add one thing to that list, it would be (yawn) that if you don't show you bring 12 nice cold cans of Lucky Lager for Herr Bulldog. Oh, that would be nice. A man can dream.

In other news, the SOFA Kuriers face the Marmots tonight, Thursday Jan. 31 at Archie Browning at 10 pm. It promises to be a killing -- as the Marmots have a tight squad lined up, with a guest appearance by one of the original Marmot founders from the summer of 2004. The one, the only, the legendary Warren "Lucky" Fleenor. A man who likes Lucky Lager perhaps only slightly more than Sensei Bull Dog, but plays as though he's never touched the stuff. "Top shelf, that's what we expect from him," says Sensei, the go-to guy regarding marmotalia.

The game promises to be especially good, as Teri "Roggie" Winchester will play her last regular season game with the Marmots tonight before heading off to play semi-pro hockey in the Shanghai ESL League. "It'll be a step up in terms of competitiveness, but with a little beer I'm sure I'll keep them hopping." We know you will, Teri!

Pilons: Run for your Lives!

Composite sticks, dryland training, road rage, Christmas shopping. These are just some of the elements that combine to bring us what promise to be a routing of the Pilons tonight at Archie Browning arena. Give yourself the pleasure of hearing the sounds that come with fleeing Pilons:
Run for the Bench!

Kuriers Receive Marmot Bite!

Victoria, Associated Hockey Press -- This past Tuesday night at the Archie Browning Arena, and in true Marmot style, the Victoria Silver Marmots Oldtimers Hockey Club ferreted out the Victoria Kuriers, and gave them the bidnis. Cowering in the corner after the game, high scorer for the Kuriers, Mark Gowans, remarked "I've never seen a fight-or-flight instinct in an animal like I did tonight. Those men and women are animals! They must have felt cornered or somethin'!"

Also known for the tenacity of his lectures in the law school, "Zone" Tollefson dished out his famous no-holds barred style, garnering 3 goals for the Marmots. "Drive the net! Driv the net! Uber Alles!" cried Zone following the game. Yzerwoman's skills at stocking the cooler were not overlooked, and the Marmots celebrated in true Marmot fashion following the rout. Indeed, so did Victoria, as Wednesday was a notably sleepy day following the game, and the riots slowed in the streets towards dawn.


"If it wasn't for the snow, we would have had a very bad situation on our hands. It was too cold to tip cars, and hard to come by matches. This town sure loves the Marmots!" said Constable Hugananimal for the Victoria Police Detachment. "Our team, the Blueliners, doesn't even play them any more -- they're that good!"

Stay tuned for more Marmot shenanigans over the holidays.

Jules Winfield hits the ice...

Victoria, AP -- The sleepy little town of Victoria is about to bear witness to an incredible hockey event, as legendary hockey coach Jules Winfield is rumoured to be hitting the ice with the Victoria Silver Marmots Hockey Club tonight at 10:40 pm at Archie Browning Sports Complex.

"We're just honoured and overjoyed that Winfield can do this for us," says Brad Bryan, current trainer for the marmots. "My job is tough; marmots are single-minded creatures, and sometimes we need that little extra toughness out there. I for one will be happy to go through the grueling drills that Winfield will dish out. All-too-happy."

Winfield's powers came to the limelight recently in a celebrated interview with Chris Chelios, where Chelios remarked on the man's humanity and the spiritual guidance that he offers young players. (See Chelios on Winfield)

"I'm confident that Winfield's general demeanor can give us the spiritual guidance we need," remarked Bret Champoux. "I for one am looking forward to the 'Inglewood Jack' drill -- and hope that trainer Bryan doesn't mind being an example."

Roadhogs bite dust, experience Marmot treads

Reuters -- Victoria. In what was almost not a very close game, the Marmots emerged victorious YET AGAIN. It is a little known fact that the Marmot, while the natural enemy of owls, eagles, and dogs, is no push over. Wild boars can alarm a Marmot, as can hogs that venture onto the road.

Lest there be any doubt: read the truth about marmots!

Not wanting to rest on their laurels however, you can see the Marmots practicing breakouts next Tuesday night at Archie Browning at 10:40 pm. It is important to practice making the fur fly.